BY LYNN LEVESQUE 

While this might be called an obituary, and it is bad form to speak ill of the dead, this can not be called an appreciation.

This is not a Covid casualty.  In June, Segway announced that it will cease production of the famous two wheel personal transporter, invented by New Hampshire’s own, the brilliant engineer Dean Kamen.

It was introduced at the dawn of the new millennium, a gizmo dripping with modernity. It takes it’s leave as a possible example of why people who think modernity is overrated  started flying planes into our skyscrapers, around the same time.

Early on, Time magazine weighed in with a gushing cover story.  “Reinventing the Wheel” the headline said. Up until then, when someone said you were reinventing the wheel, it was usually not meant as a compliment. That should have been an early warning.

Kamen said it would “be to the car, what the car was to the horse and buggy.” Steve Jobs hailed it as among the “most famous and anticipated product introductions of all time.” Jeff Bezos said it would be bigger than the PC.

It was a nifty invention. It required no brakes, steering wheel, engine, throttle, or gear shift. It could transport the average lard ass all day, non stop, on five cents worth of electricity.

The question that was not asked, the question that ought to be asked more often before we embrace technological “advance,“ is why? Let me amend that.  For the love of God, why?

It was slower than a car, and faster than walking, like a bike, and you looked every bit as silly as you do riding a bike!  What’s not to like?

After the roll out, sales were slow. As with a lot of new technology, people found the Segway hard to use, and often crashed them. President Bush famously fell off of his.  No real cause for alarm. This was “W,”  who couldn’t safely eat pretzels while watching football on TV.  Then the accidents became more frequent. It was as if the machine had a mind of it’s own. It was like a Stephen King novel.

A couple of years in, thousands of Segways had to be recalled. When the battery ran out, people tended to be thrown off of the transporter.

It was thought that law enforcement would have a use for them.  Beat cops and security guards soon discovered that perps could outrun the Segway.  The cop/donut jokes write themselves. In 2010, not long after buying the company, British entrepreneur James Heselden met his maker after running his Segway off a cliff. Bad plan, old boy.

In 2015, the Chinese bought the company,and now the jersey is retired.  Granite Staters have a lot to brag about.  We have Ken Burns, Peyton Place, the primary (for now),  and Dean Kamen himself.  We don’t have a sales or income tax, or seatbelt or motor helmet laws,  and we used to have the Old Man of the Mountain.  But some things are best left not talked about.  This is one.